The pick is in…
🚽 2025 CFL Draft Recap: Somebody’s Getting Flushed
The draft just ended.
Ten grown adults stared at a board and said, “Yeah. I nailed that“.
You did not nail that. Some of you cooked. Some of you DoorDashed raw chicken.
Let’s break this down before reality hits like a Week 3 hamstring pull.
💅 Alisha
Saquon at 1.1.
You drafted like you believe in love again.
This was giving “I can fix him” energy.
Mahomes + Andrews? Elite. Drake London? Sure. Ladd McConkey? That felt like you picked him because his name sounds like he owns a yacht in Nantucket.
This team feels like a Netflix rom com where everything is cute until one injury and suddenly it’s a documentary about pain.
Projection:
Strong start. Midseason drama. Emotional Instagram caption by Week 9.
🧠 Jake
Ja’Marr Chase. Josh Jacobs. Josh Allen.
This draft was so responsible it’s annoying.
You built this roster like you were assembling IKEA furniture sober.
No chaos. No drama. Just points.
You draft like someone who says “I don’t gamble” but somehow always wins.
Projection:
Top 2 regular season. Loses in the playoffs because fantasy football is a sick joke.
🧱 Conner
Bijan Robinson. Brian Thomas. Bowers.
You drafted like you were trying to win a dynasty startup at a redraft table.
This team screams upside and also “why did I do that”?
Baker Mayfield as your QB1 is either genius or something you’ll deny by October.
This roster feels like Oppenheimer: incredible build-up… but we’re not sure who gets vaporized yet.
Projection:
Either 10-4 or 4-10. There is no 7-7 with you.
🎭 Yours Truly (The Commish)
Gibbs. Nico Collins. Jayden Daniels.
I drafted like I watched one preseason hype TikTok and said, “Say less”.
Jayden Daniels as QB1 is giving early Bitcoin investor energy. I might look brilliant. I might look like I bought GameStop at $420.
This team is spicy. Also slightly unhinged.
I draft like I’m trying to outsmart the room instead of just beating it.
Projection:
Villain arc by Week 4.
Or insufferable if it hits.
No middle ground.
🧊 Chason
Jefferson. Achane. McBride.
You drafted like someone who has spreadsheets open in another tab.
This roster is annoyingly clean.
You don’t take risks. You take calculated violence.
You’re the guy who drafts sober and drinks water.
Projection:
Playoffs. Minimal drama. Maximum efficiency.
You’re not chaotic. You’re corporate evil.
🎮 Dan
CMC at 1.6.
That’s either a league-winning steal or the beginning of a Greek tragedy.
You drafted like someone who says injuries are random.
They are not random. They are targeted.
Hurts + Higgins is strong.
But this team feels like building a mansion on quicksand.
Projection:
If healthy: Final boss.
If not: therapy.
🧙♂️ Elias
CeeDee. Jonathan Taylor. AJ Brown.
This team is illegal.
Like, actually check his browser history.
You drafted like you’ve done 47 mock drafts and memorized ADP like it’s the Constitution.
If this roster doesn’t make the championship, something catastrophic happened.
Projection:
Title favorite. Annoying. Loud. Probably correct.
🧨 Kyle
Nabers. Puka. LaPorta.
You drafted youth like you’re investing in a startup funded by Jeffrey Epstein.
This team is electric.
Also, emotionally unstable.
You’re either dropping 170 or scoring like a Thursday Night Football game.
Projection:
Boom weeks. Bust weeks. Chaos always.
🐍 Joe
Lamar. Evans. Kyren. Kamara.
You drafted like someone who doesn’t care about Twitter narratives.
Veterans. Production. Grit.
This team feels like that one friend who doesn’t say much but always wins at poker.
Projection:
Playoff spoiler. Annoyingly consistent.
🚽 Mikey
Amon-Ra. Derrick Henry. Burrow. Garrett Wilson.
Main character roster.
You drafted like you want a documentary crew following you.
Henry is either a tank or a museum exhibit.
This team feels like Fast & Furious 11: Still Somehow Alive.
Projection:
Championship contender. Also most likely to talk reckless in the chat.
🔥 Immediate Post-Draft Delusions
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At least three of you think you won.
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One of you absolutely didn’t draft enough RB depth.
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Someone reached and is pretending it was “ADP value.”
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bswagz88 is already defending Jayden Daniels in imaginary arguments.
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PreetiVain is pretending she didn’t just draft three players who will emotionally ruin her Sundays.
🧻 Way-Too-Early Power Rankings (Based Purely on Vibes)
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Elias
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Jake
-
Mikey
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Chason
-
Dan
-
Alisha
-
Joe
-
Brandon
-
Kyle
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Conner
If this upsets you, good.
It’s August.
Hope is high.
Reality is coming.
Let’s clog this season properly.
